ADHD, Neurodivergence, and Love
- Dr. Janina Maschke
- Sep 18
- 4 min read
Most of us have heard of love languages, the idea that people tend to give and receive love in particular ways, such as through words of affirmation, acts of service, or physical touch. While these categories aren’t the full picture of human connection, they can be a useful tool for understanding and communicating our needs in relationships.
But what happens when the “standard” love languages don’t quite fit?
For many neurodivergent people, those whose brains function differently from what society calls “typical”, traditional relationship expectations don’t always align with how they authentically connect. ADHD, autism, and other forms of neurodivergence often come with unique communication styles, sensory preferences, and energy patterns. None of these differences are wrong; they require different ways of expressing love.
This is where the idea of neurodivergent love languages comes in.
What Are Neurodivergent Love Languages?
The concept took off after a viral tweet by Em (@Neurowild) in 2021, and since then, neurodivergent communities have expanded the conversation. These “love languages” highlight the ways neurodivergent people often express or receive affection outside of typical models.
Like all people, no two neurodivergent individuals are exactly alike. Still, these frameworks can help couples, friends, and families recognize expressions of love that might otherwise go unnoticed or misunderstood.
Here are five of the most commonly recognized neurodivergent love languages:
1. Parallel Play / Body Doubling
Sometimes love looks like simply being in the same room. Parallel play (doing different activities side by side) or body doubling (working on something while another person is present) provides comfort, motivation, and connection.
For someone with ADHD, asking a partner to “just hang out” while they tackle chores may be less about needing help and more about wanting to feel supported and accompanied.
2. Info-Dumping
When a neurodivergent person shares everything about their latest special interest, whether it’s trains, astrology, or their new favorite TV series, it’s not “oversharing.” It’s an act of trust and intimacy.
Info-dumping is a way of saying: “This brings me joy, and I want you to be part of it.” Listening, asking questions, or even just appreciating their excitement can make them feel deeply loved.
3. Penguin Pebbling
Inspired by penguins who gift each other pebbles during courtship, “penguin pebbling” refers to giving small tokens of affection: a meme, a pretty stone, a funny video, or a snack you know they love.
It’s not about the size of the gift but the thought: “I saw this and thought of you.”
4. Support Swapping (Spoon Swapping)
Energy can be limited, especially for neurodivergent people navigating executive dysfunction, overstimulation, or fatigue. “Spoon theory” describes this in terms of how many “spoons” (units of energy) a person has for the day.
Support swapping means trading tasks based on available energy. Maybe one partner handles phone calls because they have the capacity, while the other cooks dinner. It’s a practical but powerful way of saying, “I’ve got your back.”
5. Deep Pressure
Some neurodivergent people crave sensory input, and affection might look like tight hugs, weighted blankets, or even lying on top of each other for comfort.
This kind of closeness can be incredibly grounding and reassuring, but it’s also important to communicate about boundaries, signals, and comfort levels so both partners feel safe.
Do you want to find out what your love language is?
Why This Matters in Relationships
In a neurotypical world where affection often follows prescriptive scripts (hugs, kisses, verbal affirmations), neurodivergent people may feel misunderstood or even pressured to express love in ways that don’t feel natural.
In a world where affection is often modeled in rigid, “one-size-fits-all” ways, many neurodivergent people grow up thinking they’re not interested in or don’t need affection. But often, it’s not a lack of desire, it’s that the common forms of affection don’t feel natural or comfortable. When surrounded by others who understand and share similar experiences, many realize that they do crave connection, just expressed in ways that align with their own needs and comfort.
Expanding our definitions of what affection looks like allows us to see love in its many forms. It helps neurodivergent people connect authentically while giving their partners, friends, and families new ways to recognize the care being offered.
Finding Your Neurodivergent Love Language
Everyone, neurodivergent or not, can benefit from reflecting on the ways they most naturally give and receive affection.
Here are some questions to consider with loved ones:
What behaviors make you feel loved and supported?
What expressions of affection overwhelm or drain you?
How do you tend to show people that you care about them?
What do you need when you’re feeling affectionate?
Remember: your love language might not be the same way you prefer to receive love, and it may evolve over time.
Nurturing Neurodivergent Relationships
Relationships are complex, and when one or both partners are neurodivergent, communication is even more essential.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind:
Name your needs. Don’t assume your partner knows what makes you feel cared for. Spell it out.
Stay curious. Look for love in the ways your partner shows it, even if it doesn’t look like your own.
Give grace. Miscommunication will happen. Take space when needed, then come back together to repair.
Seek support. A therapist who understands neurodivergence can help couples bridge differences and strengthen their connection.
At the end of the day, love is about building a relationship that works for both of you, not forcing yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit.
Takeaway: Neurodivergent love languages remind us that affection is not one-size-fits-all. By expanding how we think about love, we create space for more authentic, compassionate, and fulfilling relationships, ADHD, autism, or otherwise.
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